Monster

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Your imprint is seared inside me, burning and fraying my fragile nerve endings, it’s as if you have never left, your rotten essence still lingers in the shards of my brokenness. Your foul stench clinges to my heart, it’s as if you still suck out and feed on my powerless being, it’s as if you still inhale the same stale air as I. You rip me apart, and you relish in my muffled screams, you want me to remember the pain, you want me to remember the taste of your name on my lips. You devour the way I whisper for you to ‘Please stop’, it spurs you on, my suffering always turned you on. Your monster still haunts the graveyard where my soul has long since retreated to seek respite. Your presence reeks of greed, you are dauntless in your pursuit, your grabby hands still wrap around my neck, squeezing and taking the light away from my eyes, just as cruelly as I know you enjoyed. You never knew how to touch gently, the wreaths of blooming bruises don’t tell quite the story, covered up as they are, just like your debauchery. You are sheathed within me, that dirty little part of me that still doesn’t know how to speak about you, about an ‘us’ which was all you and your morbid lust. This part of me doesn’t quite know how to even begin to recount your horror, the part that still feels that rough tugging in my scalp, phantom pain of a rough hand gripping my then long hair and twisting it, reaching down towards my soul and twisting it, changing me and tainting me.

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You are the one thing I am ashamed of, your power over me doesn’t fade away, even when I scratch and tear at myself. You have settled beneath my skin, the fetid rot of your being dwelling in those shallow and deep cuts you made to mark me as yours. I was yours to be painted in blood, bathe in the curses you said I deserved. I was your lover, I was also your bitch, a glorified slave chained to your whims. I still feel the drying seed of your misdeeds on my scarred thighs, my body was for your pleasure and now the pain I feel in my core, is all mine. I am repulsed by the way you have left me, your absence doesn’t bring me any comfort, my skin still tastes like your sins, my eyes still shed bitter tears for all those unspeakable things you did to me. I can still taste you, can still taste your evil on the tip of my tongue, still feel the raised surfaces of the criss crossed scars forming a grotesque labyrinth carved on my body. You are there, buried deep inside of me, ravaging me from within. You are a disease, a plague, you leave me with festering pain, blistering like your unworthy touch. I try to wash away those ghostly fingertips that no longer pry me open, but somehow they still grip my flesh, tearing into it, feasting on my helpless pleas. I hate the way you have won, I hate the way my body had surrendered to yours. You plundered and took never giving me anything but intense hurt in return. You have left me alone, but it’s as if you have never ever gone away. You still move within me, lurking, waiting for my vulnerability to show through for you to prey upon. You will be here, forever a part of me, a part I loathe with all the viciousness my being can muster. But what kills me the most, what cuts me deeper than all those wounds you left me with, is that you will be here, the slippery and harsh voice in my ear, the cruel hold on my battered self, you will be here, when all those parts of me, those untouched by your filth, those that I hope to salvage, are gone.

-WingsofDelight ©

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I am, You.

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I am just like you, all of you, all at once. I am the million emotions that dance so ceaselessly in your eyes, the smiles that flit from one face to another, the frowns that you grace others with, the tears you cry when you think no one watches you, I am the anger that simmers underneath the surface of your fake porcelain smiles, the resentment you feel, the disappointments that cloud your happiness, I am the pain that you desperately try to hide. I am a thousand thoughts, countless dreams of nameless faces. I sag and wither like the guilt you feel, I droop down like the despair which makes you hollow and haunted, yet I also rise like the hope you feel each day, what is yours, is also mine. I am each of you and each of none, the tiny broken pieces of your illusions, or the prickling shards of your honesty and truth. I am the bitterness of your jealousy, and the haze of your lust. I see you, living your fast lives, I see your masks of indifference, of half truths and half lies. I see how you live, in shadows, playing at cloak and dagger, I see the fumes of suffocation creeping along the persona you have built around yourself, you try to blend in, yet I still hear your silent shouts of ‘ notice me’ , ‘don’t let me rot away and die’. So I become you, the one you try so hard to shield and protect. I have to live like you to make you, each tale resurrecting your love, your heart and your situations.
Each time I write of you , I have to kill the parts of me that aren’t you, to understand you, I have to be your lover, your love, sometimes the one who cheated on you, or the whom you cheated upon. I am a million strings, untethered, I am a wanderer in search of the dreams I see in your eyes, I travel to find your homes for you in each tale I spin. I tangle your lives with my bloodline, because in that infinite second I have seen you, the real you, I have seen the raw emotions flowing through your veins, those that you couldn’t hide from a stranger, a faceless mask, who knew just what to look for. I find so much in you, the bad, the wonderful, the hurtful, all those shades of anger, of deep longing, of exhaustion, of greed, of life, of zeal and of immense courage. I see your needs, of not going unnoticed, the fear of being useless, the abject hunger to be recognised, and then I write of you, those who can’t be unseen once seen, then I write of the real you, the one who doesn’t want to be washed away from the sands of time, I write of you, for you, all of you.

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WingsofDelight©

Look Up

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It’s a leech.
Sucking on our brains. Draining us out, yet pulling us deeper into it.

It’s a leech.
An irresistible one, the sweetest dessert on the menu and the mouth filling cheese stuffed pizza we are addicted to.
We’re it’s consensual slaves. We pay it to keep us obsessed.

It’s a getaway for us, to get sucked into an oblivion- the dearest mask we endure to conceal ourselves from everything real.

It’s a leech.
Killing us slowly. Destroying our happiness by making us believe it is happiness.
Cutting us apart from the candour of life.
It’s the device you’re reading this on;
That has snatched away your first goodmorning wishes from your loved ones.
Your real life is just one decision away from you,
Slavery or Look Up?

Wings of Delight©

To the Heartbroken

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I heard that you’re…settled down..that you..found a girl and you’re married now….

How many of us experience a hurt rush when we start hearing this song? Do you feel like hitting the next button on your phone? Or do you simply appreciate the music? Or do you just listen to it, gasp in the sadness of the meaning and cry a little bit each time you listen to it?
I do. I listen to it and remember how I felt when I was heartbroken. Dipping into random oceans of nostalgia and regrets and insecurities; seeing your ex with someone else being the worst one.
It sucks to have your heart broken. See it break all at once in front of your eyes and feel so helpless because there’s nothing you can do to change things, undo things, nothing at all. It sucks to know that
‘We could have had it all.’
Puffy eyes due to crying all night, giving up on your apetite, resisting yourself from connecting to the one you love in any way, stalking the hell out of their social media profiles and moreover accepting your present, regretting not seeing his bad qualities before; most of us have been there.
Of course, dealing with a heart break has its own perks. I remember becoming stronger, and more alert. The guy I was in love with was practically a jerk throughout but as they say “love is blind” and I just couldn’t see it. Only when I hit the ground I realized how I risked damaging my self worth, my confidence and my feelings for someone who wasn’t worth it.
But in some cases the ones you damage your heart for are absolutely worth it but you lose them because of your stupidity or because of several other reasons. It sucks doesn’t it? I’m sure half of the people who were reading this article have given up because they don’t want to go in that past lane again.
For some, crying never stops. Their ex lovers become a part of their being and it takes someone really special to dig that part out and make them happy yet again.
Dealing with a heart break isn’t easy, it’s harder than any bad experience you thought was difficult to deal with because it involves your heart. A fraction of people are lucky to get the right ones at the right time, but the rest? We’re just learning to become stronger. And that’s okay. Because we will. And we do. And you know what’s the best part? Whatever happened has happened for the good. After all Adele too has found the One hasn’t she?

So here’s to the heart-broken, to the ones who are dealing with a heartbreak right now, to the ones who have come out stronger than they have ever been before.

Here’s to you. Here’s to you.

I just want to tell you that you are going to get through this, for good
and you’ll find only the right ones waiting for you at the end of your sadness. Just let it go. You have to let yourself let go.

-Wings of Delight©

Fall

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You will find her in all those places, when you aren’t really looking. Hidden in the tiny alcove in that dusty library you never bothered to go to, curled up in the tattered wooden seat, reading her favourite book of romantic tradegies. You will find her where you least expect her to be, rummaging through old records, classical music blasting through her shiny new headphones, her rocker chic boots peaking underneath a modest green skirt. You’ll see her on the street, her dyed hair flying this way and that, she will seem a bit clumsy, balancing a stack of comics and a steaming cup of coffee. You’ll always pass her shop on the way to work, when she just opens her bakery and you catch yourself smiling in her direction. You sit besides her, in the too overcrowded train, her inquisitive eyes seeking out stories amongst her fellow passengers that only an observant eye could unearth. Ofcourse, you won’t fall for that clumsy girl, spending all her free time immersed in the fantasy that comics provide. Ofcourse, you won’t fall for that girl who loves classical music yet is spunky enough to give you a run for your money, you won’t fall for that girl you see on your way to work, the one you smile at unconsciously. You won’t fall for that girl, that you occasionally bump into, or share 20 minutes of your commute with. Ofcourse, you won’t fall, because you aren’t looking, you aren’t looking for romance, but love doesn’t come calling with a voicemail to warn you about it’s arrival, it comes whether you want to accept it’s presence or not. Oftentimes it knocks on the door to your heart, when you really aren’t looking. So look, look closer, look into the eyes of the girl whose cheek is always smeared with soft flour, the one you secretly smile at, the one whom you think is too unattainable, too geeky, too spunky, too romantic or the one you seem to always meet. Listen to the girl sitting besides you in the train, chattering about her day. Does it feel like love has come knocking on your door? Does it sound like love?

-WingsofDelight©

The Stranger with a Cigar

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“Do you smoke?” A faint whisper reached my ears. I ungazed from the engaging thoughts I was immersed in and looked to my left. Next to me sat a man who looked to be middle aged. There were dark circles below his eyes with a spark over his sharp nose which hinted at the loss of sleep he may have faced of late. He looked like he was trying to study me, a slight smirk curling his handsome face. I tried to come out of my observing trance; forcing myself out of it to prevent any further embarrassment. The man besides me had quite a striking visage, his penetrating eyes giving me the kind of thrill I hadn’t experienced since a while in this new town.

 

“Occasionally,” I said,  “But I don’t carry Cigars to dinner.”

 

“Ah. Just say the word Darling; I carry my cigar collection with me on travel, to share with interesting and beautiful young ladies I meet on my many voyages.” He smiled. Golly, that made me blush to the tips of my toes.

 

“Which one would you like?” He took out a small case containing roughly about 8 Cigars. The bronze colour of the case gave it an antique appearance. By taking a while, I faked a little choice. Finally I picked up the best looking one and smiled at him. “Lovely. Capafina, my personal favourite.”

 

The raucous bar slowly faded out of focus and staring into his charcoal grey eyes, I got wrapped up in his enchanting voice. I didn’t realise how time passed until the sulky bartender interrupted our conversation and told us it was time for him to wind up.

” It seems, the cold night is calling out for me to love her yet again.” He said, “See you around love.” Before I could bid this alluring stranger goodbye he left through the doors, and I headed back to my room upstairs.

 

Maybe the cold night could take a break from loving him tonight; maybe I could love him today. I thought to myself. Never had I felt so enamoured by any man before. He made me feel like a woman without even touching me. How could I just let this mesmerising gentleman go away? Lust made me leave my room and walk towards the way he went. He must have not gone far away, I placated my wildly thudding heart. The quiet night in this town that usually scared me had me lusting after it tonight. I quickened my footsteps and soon spotted a man entering the Delta inn across the street I was walking on. He wore the same luxury brown jacket my stranger had  worn, and was about the same height, I reckoned, I reached the midnight inn finally. My eyes searched for him around the bar. There he was, standing and talking to someone I couldn’t see because of the huge sofa blocking my gaze.I carried myself forward to make my view clearer. It was a lady,who was looking at the collection of his cigars.

 

My passion filled heart quickly became  heavy and I gasped for words to speak,

“What are you ….?”

My shrill voice managed to speak up. He looked behind him and narrowed his eyes. What took me by surprise was to see him smiling, as I fell on the ground. And then I knew no more.

 

 

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15th of March 1928,

Erickesville.

A woman was found dead under mysterious circumstances at around 1:30 am in the lobby of Delta Inn. The Coroner’s reports revealed the presence of a black tar like substance in her lungs. The workers at the place where she worked as a hostess The Eagle Inn, a place of questionable repute; suggested she was last seen smoking a Cigar alone and was in  quite a jaunty mood.

This is the third death in the past fornight, to rock the quiet neighbourhood of Erickesville. Currently, Mr. Smith the hot headed bartender of Eagle Inn, has been taken into custody by the local Sheriff department.

Timeless, 3 of 3

Time

We didn’t talk as much as we used to, we didn’t love as much as we used to and suddenly I could comprehend your absence and the abject loneliness our love brought. I was still waiting as you asked but the wait was too long and time was wearing us down. Then one spring break we met and time became the silence between once furiously beating hearts, now oh so quite. I couldn’t hear you and you couldn’t read me, our words so twisted and I love yous so hesitant that we decided to break us off. ‘Not now’, ‘now is not the right time for us’, ‘let’s try again’, ‘sometime later’, wasn’t that what we said to each other ? Slowly later became days and months and I was never so aware of the time that passed, each second driving a sharp nail sealing the fate of our love. It didn’t wait for our love to heal, it just moved at it’s relentless pace, changing the hues of our love turning it into a dead and cold thing. I mourned, I lamented the loss of my sunshine, but I learnt to remember what we had with a profound fondness, but I never did let you go, I have to now though. You stayed deep in my heart, in my psyche but each year your hold on me lessened, you don’t own my heart like you once did, time has changed me, my youth has faded to the salt and pepper of middle age. It changed you too, it froze your beautiful smile but you acquired laugh lines on the face I so adored. Time changed your love for me into the friendly warmth of our past. You said you had to let me go a long while ago so that new love could come into your life and now I have to let you go, I have to stop waiting, because you have stopped looking forward to see me waiting for you and your love. Time changed us, changed our not now to not ever, it flowed over the hollow ache in my chest, it taught me to laugh without you, to cry with someone who wasn’t you, it changed the way I looked at you, felt for you, but I don’t regret waiting for you, because even if time took away my lover it gave me back my best friend.

WingsofDelight©